A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. -- Mark Twain A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. -- Mark Twain Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. -- Mark Twain Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark Twain An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before. -- Mark Twain Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough. -- Mark Twain Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity - another man's I mean. -- Mark Twain Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. -- Mark Twain Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. -- Mark Twain Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. -- Mark Twain Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge. -- Mark Twain Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. -- Mark Twain Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. -- Mark Twain Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. - Mark Twain Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. -- Mark Twain Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. -- Mark Twain Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. -- Mark Twain Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. -- Mark Twain I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. -- Mark Twain I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. -- Mark Twain I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark Twain I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. -- Mark Twain I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. -- Mark Twain I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. -- Mark Twain If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. -- Mark Twain In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. -- Mark Twain In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. -- Mark Twain It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them. -- Mark Twain It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. -- Mark Twain It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. -- Mark Twain It is easier to stay out than get out. -- Mark Twain It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. -- Mark Twain Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. -- Mark Twain Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. -- Mark Twain Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. -- Mark Twain Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. -- Mark Twain My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. -- Mark Twain Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. -- Mark Twain Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. -- Mark Twain Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. -- Mark Twain Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. -- Mark Twain The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. -- Mark Twain The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. -- Mark Twain The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession. -- Mark Twain The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. -- Mark Twain There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry. -- Mark Twain There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. -- Mark Twain Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. -- Mark Twain Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. -- Mark Twain Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. -- Mark Twain We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. -- Mark Twain When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. -- Mark Twain When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. -- Mark Twain When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one. -- Mark Twain Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people. -- Mark Twain He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it -- namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain. -- Mark Twain The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. -- Mark Twain Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. -- Mark Twain You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -- Mark Twain The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. -- Mark Twain A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs. -- Mark Twain The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it. -- Mark Twain By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. -- Mark Twain It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -- Mark Twain It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you. -- Mark Twain Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. -- Mark Twain There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. -- Mark Twain The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. -- Mark Twain All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. -- Mark Twain Sane and intelligent human beings are like all other human beings, and carefully and cautiously and diligently conceal their private real opinions from the world and give out fictitious ones in their stead for general consumption. -- Mark Twain We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. -- Mark Twain When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. -- Mark Twain The report of my death was an exaggeration. -- Mark Twain The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. -- Mark Twain Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark Twain Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. -- Mark Twain What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. -- Mark Twain An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good--natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect. -- Mark Twain The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. -- Mark Twain Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. -- Mark Twain Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else. -- Mark Twain A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race. -- Mark Twain How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it. -- Mark Twain Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. -- Mark Twain I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. -- Mark Twain The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. -- Mark Twain It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. Canada lays claim to more water than any other nation. Almost the entire Cook Islands are covered by forest. Contrary to the popular rhyme, the rain falls mainly on Guinea. The average criminal sentence length is 137 years in Colombia. Around 1 in 3 persons in Australia is a victim of crime. Saudi diplomats have 367 outstanding parking fines in Britain. Americans top the world in the category of crimes. They also have the greatest number of burglaries, car thefts, rapes and assaults. 0.7% of Americans are currently in prison. India’s criminal courts acquitted over a million defendants in 1999, more than the next 48 surveyed countries combined. 715 of every 100,000 people in America are imprisoned, probably because 7 times more people are prosecuted there than in second-place Turkey. Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats. A bowling pin need only tilt 7.5 degrees in order to fall down. The Japanese word "Arigato" meaning thank you is derived from the Portugese word "Obrigado". Portugal once had a thriving trade with Japan. The bubbles in Guinness Beer sink to the bottom rather than float to the top like all other beers. No one knows why. Jupiter's core is in fact made of a non-metal, but due to the immense pressure inside Jupiter the core has become a metal. This metal is hydrogen. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A fullgrown bear can run as fast as a horse. A beard grows an average of 140 mm a year. A hair is 70% easier to cut when soaked in warm water for two minutes. Women's hair is about half the diameter of men's hair. During an average lifetime, a man will spend 3,350 hours removing 8.4 meters of stubble. 4.5 million people have their health "adversely affected" by air pollutants each year. Every male over the 18 is considered part of the Arizona Militia according to state constitution. The word "karate" means "empty hand." A hamlet is a village without a church and a town is not a city until it has a cathedral. 49.6% of US residents live in Eastern time zone, 29.3% live in the Central time zone, 5.3% live in the Mountain time zone, 15.0% live in the Pacific time zone and 0.8% live in any other time zone. Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard. A lion's roar can be heard from five miles away. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The launching mechanism of a carrier ship that helps planes to take off, could throw a pickup truck over a mile. If you told someone that they were one in a million, you'd be saying there were about 1,800 of them in China. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. The average sixty minute audio cassette tape has 562.5 feet of tape in it, nearly two football fields long. The ashes of the average cremated person weigh nine pounds. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40,320 ways to arrange the other eight reindeer. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Robert E. Lee, of the Confederate Army, remains the only person, to date, to have graduated from the West Point military academy without a single demerit. Croatia was the first country to recognize the United States in 1776. There are only 14 blimps in the world, and 10 of them are in the U.S. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes." If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long. Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F. The telephone dial tone is also in the key of F. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. The Chinese ideogram for "trouble" depicts two women living under one roof. And the Chinese words for crisis and opportunity are the same. Ralph Lauren's original name was Ralph Lifshitz. Lizzie Borden was acquitted. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. Approximately sixty circus performers have been shot from cannons. At last report, thirty-one of these have been killed. The Boeing 767 aircraft is a collection of 3.1 million parts from 800 different suppliers around the world: fuselage parts from Japan, center wing section from Southern California, flaps from Italy. On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10. Parker Brothers prints about 50 billion dollars worth of Monopoly money in one year. Calvin and Hobbes: Hobbes originally had pads on his hands and feet but Bill Waterson (the creator) found them too distracting and removed them. It took Leo Tolstoy six years to write "War & Peace". Charlie Brown's father was a barber. In the name of art, Chris Burden arranged to be shot by a friend while another person photographed the event. He sold the series of pictures to an art dealer. He made $1750 on the deal, but his hospital bill was $84,000. In Britain’s House of Commons, the government and opposition sides of the House are separated by two red lines. The distance between the lines is two swords’ lengths, a reminder of just how seriously the Brits used to take their politics. The surface area of an average-sized brick is 79 cm squared. In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become a year older on New Year's Day. The diameter of the wire in a standard paper clip is 1 millimeter - or about 0.04 inch. Public typists work at typewriters charging about 14 cents per page. On a good day, a public typist earns about $3.50. On average, there are 333 squares of toilet paper on a roll. The numbers on opposite sides of a die always add up to 7. If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan project (where they made the atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in Albuquerque. The St. Louis Gateway Arch had a projected death toll while it was being built. No one died. The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years. The Chinese national anthem is called "the march of volunteers." "The Tale of Genji", a Japanese work from the early eleventh century, is considered by many scholars to be the world's first full novel. The novel was written by a woman: Murasaki Shikibu, or Lady Murasaki. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. In the movie "Toy Story", the carpet designs in Sid's hallway is the same as the carpet designs in "The Shining." In 1970, "MCI" stood for "Microwave Communications, Inc." No longer used as an acronym, it now stands alone. The short-term memory capacity for most people is between five and nine items or digits. This is one reason that phone numbers were kept to seven digits for so long. Dennis the Menace's favorite drink is Root beer. The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was Periwinkle Blue. Despite the fact that 77 percent of Americans go to the grocery store with a list, it's estimated that half of everything bought there is bought on impulse. Supermarkets report very strong sales of almost anything they stock at the check-out line. Golf was banned in England in 1457 because it was considered a distraction from the serious pursuit of archery. When the Hoovers did not want to be overheard by White House guests, they spoke to each other in Chinese. At Disneyland they have hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the park. They never come out during the day because there's too many people, but the reason they're there is to catch the mice. Theaters in Glendale, California can show horror films only on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. You can't plow a cotton field with an elephant in North Carolina. In Lehigh, Nebraska it's against the law to sell donut holes. Under the law of Mississippi, there’s no such thing as a female Peeping Tom. Anti-modem laws restrict Internet access in the country of Burma. Illegal possession of a modem can lead to a prison term. Lawn darts are illegal in Canada. In Idaho a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds. Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year. A Venetian law decrees that all gondolas must be painted black. The only exceptions are gondolas belonging to high public officials. In the state of Queensland, Australia, it is still constitutional law that all pubs (hotel/bar) must have a railing outside for patrons to tie up their horse. According to law, no store is allowed to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island. Yet these same stores are allowed to sell toothpaste and mouthwash on Sundays. Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year. Chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt." For hundreds of years, the Chinese zealously guarded the secret of sericulture; imperial law decreed death by torture to those who disclosed how to make silk. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing. By law, information collected in a U.S. census must remain confidential for 72 years. Want your kids to stay in school? Send them to Norway. English speaking kids are the biggest novel readers but are the least enthusiastic comics readers. Japanese and South Korean kids are the best at science and maths. The top 10 countries for electricity generation using a nuclear energy source are all in Europe. Three quarters of Japanese kids read comics. American adults have been educated for the longest time. There are 22 countries where more than half the population is illiterate. Fifteen of them are in Africa. The women of Iceland earn two-thirds of their nation's university degrees. Candy made from pieces of barrel cactus was outlawed in the U.S. in 1952 to protect the species. In Breton, Alabama, there is a law on the town's books against riding down the street in a motorboat. Connecticut and Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment: Prohibition. In most American states, a wedding ring is exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes. In New York State, it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car. Vermont, Alaska, Hawaii, and Maine are the four states in the U.S. that do not allow billboards. Wetaskiwin, Alberta from 1917: "It's against the law to tie a male horse next to a female horse on Main Street." Women were banned by royal decree from using hotel swimming pools in Jidda, Saudi Arabia, in 1979. In Riverside, California, there is an old law on the city's books which makes it illegal to kiss unless both people wipe their lips with rose water. In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee. Muppets creator Jim Henson first created Kermit in 1955 - as a lizard. He was made from Henson's mother's coat and two halves of a Ping-Pong ball (no flipper feet or eleven-point collar) The person who performs the Muppets - Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Animal, and Grover is Frank Oz. Oz is also the voice of Star Wars Yoda. By the way, his real name is Frank Oznowicz. The 1997 Jack Nicholson film - "As Good As It Gets", is known in China as "Mr. Cat Poop". Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.) The writers of The Simpsons have never revealed what state Springfield is in. A theater manager in Seoul, Korea felt that The Sound of Music was too long, so he shortened it by cutting out all the songs. Bruce was the nickname of the mechanical shark used in the "Jaws" movies. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. A two hour motion picture uses 10,800 feet of film. Not including the previews and commercials. For many years, the globe on the NBC Nightly News spun in the wrong direction. On January 2, 1984, NBC finally set the world spinning back in the proper direction. In the Mario Brothers movie, the Princess' first name is Daisy, but in Mario 64, the game, her first name is Peach. Before that, it's Princess Toadstool. "60 Minutes" is the only show on CBS that doesn’t have a theme song. You can be imprisoned for not voting in Fiji, Chile and Egypt - at least in theory. Costa Rica leads in per capita exports of bananas, cassava, melons, and pineapples, to the United States. They’re also first in pesticide use. You're 66 times more likely to be prosecuted in the USA as in France Nearly 1% of Montserrations are police. Former enemies, the Americans and Russians now have a great deal in common - they both lead the world in locking people up. Per capita, South Africa has the most assaults, rapes, and murders with firearms. Two-thirds of the world's executions occur in China. America puts many more of its citizens in prison than any other nation. Two-thirds of the world's kidnappings occur in Colombia. Venezuela is one of the happiest and most murderous places in the world. Russia has almost twice the number of judges and magistrates as compared to US, but US has 8 times more crimes committed than Russia. There are more than 2 jails for every 1000 men in Maldives. More than 20% of the votes in the last elections in Argentina were invalid. Women in Belgium, where the country’s first female parliamentarian was appointed in 1921, held 55 percent of ministerial level positions in 2000. Most people live in poverty in most African countries. Top per capita importing and exporting nations tend to be a little small. The top 8 most developed countries all speak Germanic languages. Every such country is in the top 20. 72% of people in Mali earn less than $1 per day. 41% world's poor people live in India. The ten most generous countries are all in Europe. Americans are 15% more innovative than the Japanese. But the Japanese have 3.5 times more patents. United we stand? The United Kingdom and United States are both in the top ten for GDP and child poverty. Half of Indonesia's primary school teachers are under 30 years of age. Are you a teacher? Head to Switzerland. Salaries there start at $33,000 US. Teachers make up 7.8 percent of Iceland’s labor force and they only have to teach 38 weeks per year. Central European men don’t teach. In Hungary, the Czech Republic, and Slovakia, over 75 percent of lower secondary teachers are female. Japan has 53 working nuclear reactors and is planning to build another 12. The total area of Australia’s coral reefs is greater than the total area of 130 countries, including Slovakia, the Dominican Republic, Kuwait, Singapore, and Rwanda. America is first in McDonald’s restaurants per million people and mortality due to obesity, with more deaths than Mexico, Germany, Spain, Austria and Canada combined. Belgium is the only country in the world where women dominate the ministry. Got a parking ticket in Finland? Better just pay up - it is the least corrupt nation in the world. Members of the armed forces and the police cannot vote in the Dominican Republic. Nauru, Tokelau and Western Sahara are the only three countries without official capital cities. Most Zambians don't live to see their 40th birthday. On the probability of not reaching 40 graph, the top 34 countries are all African. Guinea has the wettest capital on Earth with 3.7 metres of rain a year. Clipperton Island wins our prize for the most unusual looking country. Only two countries in the world are doubly landlocked: Liechtenstein and Uzbekistan. Sick of crowds? Try Greenland where there's 38 sq km per person. If you thought Antarctica was inhospitable, think again - its land area is only 98% ice. Reassuringly, the other 2% is categorised as "barren rock". The Mall in Washington, D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City. The four largest nations are Russia, China, USA, and Canada. Brazil takes up 47.8% of South America. Hungarians die of cancer much, much more often than Finns. One in three adults aged 15-49 are infected with HIV/AIDS in Botswana, Zimbabwe, and Swaziland. On average, women in New Zealand do not give birth until they are 30 years old. Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health. 22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so. Nine out of ten women in Ethiopia give birth at home. US tops the world in plastic surgery procedures. Next comes Mexico. Patients stay in hospital for an average of almost 10 days in Switzerland, which has the most hospital beds per 1000 people. Libya is the only country with a single-coloured flag. Nepal’s flag isn’t square or rectangular. It’s a double triangle. Libya’s full name is the Great Socialist People’s Libyan Arab Jamahiriya. In 2002, every 1000 Swedes made a bus. Japan leads the world in car production, almost 50% more than Germany and the USA. The top six countries for percentage of houses with five rooms or more are all English-speaking. Norwegians drink 10.7 kilograms of coffee per person annually. They also lead the globe in anxiety disorders. 62% of Bulgarians describe themselves as either "not very" or "not at all" happy. More than a third of the time, Icelanders don't show up for work. Perhaps that's why they're the world's happiest nation. The fourteen unhappiest countries are all in Eastern Europe. 22% of New Zealanders have used cannabis. Australians are the most likely to join charities, educational organizations, environmental groups, professional organizations, sports groups and unions. But only three percent join political parties. Americans consume the sixth-most spirits, the eighth-most beer and the 18th-most wine. They’re also likely to view heavy drinkers as undesirable neighbors! Australians lead the world in hours worked and membership in many voluntary organizations. How do they find the energy? The five countries with the highest coffee consumption are also the five countries which trust people the most and they are all in Europe. The average person in the United Kingdom drinks as much tea as 23 Italians. Andorra has no unemployment, which is just as well because they have no broadcast TV channels either. China has the most workers, so it's a good thing they've also got the most TV's. Indians go out to the movies 3 billion times a year. The USA has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined. Americans and Icelanders go to the pictures on average 5 times a year, while Japanese go only once. The United States has the most money, power, airports, cell phones, radios and ISP's. Malaysia has the lowest rate of cinema attendance in the world. A three-minute local phone call in Ecuador costs 60 U.S. cents, 60 times as much as in Ukraine, Macedonia, Saudi Arabia, Nepal, or Uzbekistan. The United States spends more money on its military than the next 12 nations combined. Swedes and Norweigians rank top 5 for both providing aid and exporting weapons. If someone you know died from falling out of a tree, you’re probably Brazilian. Mental and behavioural disorders due tocannabinoids, cocaine, hallucinogens, opiods, sedatives and hypnotics, and volatile solvents killed 1,789 people. Those due to alcohol killed 32,622. Andorrans live the longest, four years longer than in neighbouring France and Spain. China's labor force stands at 706 million people, almost three times that of Europe and twice that of North and South America combined. Luxembourgers are the world's richest people - and also the most generous. If you like kids, then Uganda might be the place for you. Half the population is under 15! Senior gentlemen might consider a trip to Russia, where there's two over 65 women for every man. Single guys should check out The Virgin Islands. Apart from sounding good, it has five women to every four men! The United States consumes more energy than India, the Middle East, South America, Africa, South East Asia and Oceania combined - which means more than 3.1 billion people. South America is unusual in that it is both urbanized and poor. Many Americans live alone - America leads the world in one person households. Kazakhstan is the world's largest landlocked country. Looking for geniuses? Head straight to Iceland. There are more than 3.5 Nobel Prize Winners for every million Icelanders. Sri Lanka has lowest divorce rate in the world - and the highest rate of female suicide. Australians have a huge 380,000 sq m of land per person - and yet 91% live in urban areas. Nearly a quarter of people in Monaco are over 65. Americans have the world's highest marriage rates, divorce rates, teenage pregnancies and one person households. Go figure. There are three persons living per room in Pakistan. Married life must be complicated! Elderly Dutch and Swedish are the most likely to live in old-age homes. Elderly Japanese are the most likely to live with their children. At least 9 out 10 Nigerians attend church regularly. Only 4 out of 10 Americans claim to do so. Around the world, on average, the rich 30% of the people contribute more than 60% of all tax collected. More than 50% of the tax collected is personal income tax in Denmark, whereas it is less than 15% in Netherlands. Employees contribute less than 4% of social security in Denmark. It is around 10% in the USA and a whopping 20% in Netherlands. It is better to employ someone in Denmark - you contribute less than 1% of his social security. You might have to pay upto 25% in France. Living in developed countries has its drawbacks. People in Germany, Belgium, Hungary and Sweden have to pay up almost half their salaries to taxes. South Korea is the heliport capital of the world. In Australia, there's plenty of open road. Which is just as well, because you wouldn't want to park your car. More than 8.5 million planes take off from airports in the USA every year. That is almost half the number worldwide. More than a third of all the airports in the world are in the USA. One out of every two persons in Germany and Italy owns a car. The Pitcairn Islands have the world’s shortest highway system, with only 6.4 kilometers of roads. They also have the fourth-fewest main phone lines. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longerthan left-handed people do. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times itsown weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Polar bears are left handed. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. Butterflies taste with their feet. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Starfish don't have brains. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". Almonds are members of the peach family. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. Ingrown toenails are hereditary. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und." The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi-pukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, L.A. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. "Stewardesses" is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat,"which means "the king is dead." The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. Grapefruit scent will make middle aged women appear six years younger to men. The perception is not reciprocal and the grapefruit scent on men has no effect on women's perception. Women blink twice as many times as men do. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening. Layers of cartilage in the joints gets compressed during the day. There are approx. 550 hairs in the eyebrow. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. The life span of a taste bud is 10 days. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The largest known kidney stone weighed 1.36 kilograms. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. Kidney stones come in any color - from yellow to brown. Babies are born without kneecaps. They appear when the child is 2-6 years of age. The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. If you ate too many carrots you would turn orange. The force of 1 billion people jumping at the same time is equal to 500 tons of TNT. A baby is born every seven seconds. You can tell if a skunk is about if you smell only 0.000000000000071 ounce of its spray. You breathe about 10 million times a year. The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream. The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects. The most common time for a wake up call is 7 a.m. The typical person goes to the bathroom 6 times a day. The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger. The most sensitive finger on the human hand is the index finger. The human body weighs 40 times more than the brain. After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp. A person swallows approx. 295 times while eating dinner. Your urine will turn bright yellow if you eat too much asparagus. There are more people alive today than have ever died. The human body is better suited to two four-hour sleep cycles than one eight-hour one. A man's beard contains between 7000 and 15,000 hairs. 4 million children die each year from inhaling smoke from indoor cooking fires that burn wood and Dung 4 million people die annually from diarrhea infections, caused by poor sanitary conditions The hardest bone in the human body is the jawbone. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will. Murphy's Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once. O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist. Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it, or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. Ginsberg's Restatement of the Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit. Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better? Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away. Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can. Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. Klipstein's Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly. Law of Interchangeable Parts:Interchangeable parts won't. Law of Lost Article: You never find a lost article until you replace it. Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for. Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. Law of Unused: If nobody uses it, there's a reason. The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster. First Law of Revision: Information necessitiating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law) Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. Corollary to the First Law of Revision: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: II. Any given program costs more and takes longer. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: V. Any program will expand to fill available memory. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet. Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer. Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. Gordon's First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well. Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem. Law of Help:Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Korman's conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again. Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans. Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best. Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government. Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't. Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another. Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Law of Problems:Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out. Wyszowski's Law: No experiment is reproducible. Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. The first Myth of Management: It exists. Law of Need:Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear. Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense. Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are. Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant. Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. Jone's Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. Churchill's commentary on man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. The ultimate Law: All general statements are false. The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens. The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it. The First Law of Wing Walking: Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden. Langsam's Law: Everything depends. Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.] Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. First Postulate of Isomurphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later. Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit. Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. -> This person must be fired. Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. MacDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them. First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case. Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue. Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Matz's warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Lewis' Law: People will buy anything that's one to a customer. Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other. Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time. Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it. Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will. Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions. Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock. Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves. Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero. Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1) An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2) An object at rest will be in the wrong place. Goldwyn's Law of Contracts:A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Jone's Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have. Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better. In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation. Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions. Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life. Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing. Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer. Klipstein's Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short. Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock. Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped. de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted. You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it. Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials. Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. (Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.) Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Moer's truism: The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblence to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog. Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. -- Charles Lamb I don't want any yes - men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job. -- Samuel Goldwyn Write something, even if it's just a suicide note. -- Gore Vidal Today's payslip has more deductions than a Sherlock Holmes novel. -- Raymond Cvikota The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. -- Bob Monkhouse Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Mark I adore adverbs; they are the only qualifications I really much respect. -- Henry James As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. -- Oscar Wilde When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighter shaking hands. -- HL Mencken Some of us learn from other peoples mistakes. The rest of us are the other people. -- Unknown Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo. -- Jean Cocteau Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. -- Mark Twain (about Henry James) What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke? -- Gore Vidal Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp--posts. -- Jeffrey Robinson An incinerator is a writer's best friend. -- Thornton Wilder Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales. -- Stephen Hawking The covers of this book are too far apart. -- Ambrose Bierce The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid and stable business. -- John Steinbeck I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974. -- Jeffrey Bernard Dr Donne's verses are like the peace of God; they pass all understanding. -- James I. Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal. -- T. S. Eliot If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. -- Wilson Mizner Those who can do, those who can't teach. -- George Bernard Shaw Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly. -- Oscar Wilde I am the kind of writer that people think other people are reading. -- V. S. Naipaul My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. -- Groucho Marx A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar. -- Arthur Koestler Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. -- Mae West No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas. -- Ashleigh Brilliant If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow. -- John Wayne In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime. -- Phyllis McGinley The most important thing for poets to do is to write as little as possible. -- T. S. Eliot Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control... -- Diana Jordan Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children. -- Sam Levinson Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. -- Ralph Bus No wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children. -- Kingsley Amis Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. -- Adlai Stevenson All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. -- Oscar Wilde Nothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them. -- Virginia Woolf I never read the life of any important person without discovering that he knew more and could do more than I could ever hope to know or do in half a dozen lifetimes. -- J. B. Priestley In married life three is company and two none. -- Oscar Wilde My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs. -- Oscar Wilde Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. -- Ambrose Bierce I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. -- Henry Youngman If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. -- Robert Louis Stevenson If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lilly Tomlin Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. -- Leonardo Di Vinci The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. -- Roseanne Barr When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. -- Rita Rudner I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. -- Mickey Rooney A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing. -- Duane Dewel The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much. -- Colin Chapman In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. -- Woody Allen I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. -- Patrick Murray I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. -- Tony Curtis A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas. -- Alice Glynn The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty--seven for men. -- Aristotle Women should be obscene and not heard. -- Groucho Marx What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. -- Mark Twain Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -- Charlotte Whitton I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. -- Joan Rivers Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses. -- Ivern Boyett Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing. -- Sean Williamson If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable. -- Russell Bell Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man. -- Erica Jong I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. -- Rebecca West One of the reasons I don't see eye to eye with Women's Lib is that women have it all on a plate if only they knew it. They don't have to be pretty either. -- Charlotte Rampling You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths. -- Steven Wright It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert Benchley An author who speaks about their own books is almost as bad as a mother who speaks about her own children. -- Benjamin Disraeli A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over. -- Dino Levi The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. -- Woody Allen There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. -- Doug Larson I like children - fried. -- W. C. Fields Everytime a child says, "I don't believe in fairies", there's a a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. -- J. M. Barrie The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. -- Quentin Crisp A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. -- Groucho Marx I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away. -- Nancy Mitford Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. -- Bill Cosby Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. -- Jim Bishop When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty--one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain The child was a keen bed--wetter. -- Noel Coward I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. -- Rodney Dangerfield My parents used to beat the shit out of me. And, looking back on it, I'm glad they did. I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my own kids, for no reason whatsoever. -- Denis Leary When you're eight years old nothing is your business. -- Lenny Bruce In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. -- Erma Bombeck Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble. -- Martin Mull I never met a kid I liked. -- W. C. Fields I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder. -- Craig Charles Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannise their teachers. -- Socrates Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. -- Fran Lebowitz Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head. -- Martin Mull Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath. -- Richard Zera The real menace about dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. -- Jean Kerr My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow. -- Bill Cosby I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. -- Emo Philips Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. -- Fran Lebowitz I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. -- Steven Wright If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -- Henry Youngman The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit. -- Eric Porterfield When women go wrong, men go right after them. -- Mae West She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. -- Joan Rivers Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city. -- George Burns Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. -- Dennis Ritchie Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds. -- Joan Rivers I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. -- Bernard Manning Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet. -- Bill Cosby "Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, "What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!". -- Steven Wright I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. -- Emo Philips Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry. -- Mike Kalin When I am dead, I hope it may be said: "His sins were scarlet but his books were read". -- Hilliare Belloc I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. -- Terry Pratchett I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. -- Steven Wright What would I do if I had only six months left to live? I'd type faster. -- Isaac Assimov I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind. -- Patrick Dennis They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. -- Garrison Keilor My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates Ice--cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal. -- Voltaire If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter. -- Albert Grant A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists. -- C. T. Jones A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel Goldwyn We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure. -- Keith Davis Any organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top. -- John Imhoff His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours. -- Arthur Baer Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. -- Jo Brand The perfect lover is one who turns into pizza at 4am. -- Charles Pierce Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. -- Woody Allen Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -- Groucho Marx She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. -- George Barnard Shaw The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault. -- Henry Kissinger Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. -- Dave Barry Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything. -- Herb Caen The cocktail party is a device for paying off obligations to people you don't want to invite for dinner. -- Charles Smith. Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. -- Oscar Wilde As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him. -- Oscar Wilde He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead. -- Voltaire It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. -- Dave Barry I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. -- Groucho Marx There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age. -- Benjamin Spock My unhealthy affection for my second daughter has waned. Now I despise all my seven children equally. -- Evelyn Waugh They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right. -- Winston Churchill The Compleat Angler is acknowledged to be one of the world's books. Only the trouble is that the world doesn't read its books, it borrows a detective story instead. -- Stephen Leacock Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -- John Mendosa What's another word for thesaurus? -- Steven Wright This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. -- George Burns Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers. -- Daniel J. Boorstin Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. -- G. W. Hegel To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit. -- Enoch Powell Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. -- Mark Twain A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. -- Herm Albright To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W. C. Fields There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins. -- Josh Billings I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. -- Groucho Marx I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead. -- Woody Allen If toast always lands butter--side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? -- Steven Wright We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. -- Jeff Marder I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. -- Groucho Marx Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability. -- George Bernard Shaw The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns. -- Herman Wouk It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway. -- Norman Mailer My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes. -- Sally Poplin I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -- Rodney Dangerfield USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. -- David Letterman In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. -- Stephen Leacock This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half--life than radioactive waste. -- Wes Smith Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female. -- Desmond Morris When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. -- Steven Wright Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. -- Russell Baker Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known. -- F. A. Montagu There are lies, damned lies and statistics. -- Mark Twain I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. -- W. C. Fields You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one. -- Albert Einstein Everything that can be invented has been invented. -- Charles Duell Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. -- Mike Barfield The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. -- Albert Einstein Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. -- Rita May Brown All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men. -- Isaac Asimov A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on. -- Mick Miller I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. -- James Beard She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when. -- P. G. Wodehouse Women are nothing but machines for producing children. -- Napolean Bonaparte An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. -- Jilly Cooper Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. -- Andy Rooney Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- E. W. Dijkstra The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier. -- Bill Gates Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers. -- Unknown I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. -- James Magary In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear. -- John C. Dvorak Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -- Jeff Raskin If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. -- Bradley's Bromide The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -- Nathaniel Borenstein To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. -- Robert Orben If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. -- Robert X. Cringely If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. -- Pierre Gallois My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. -- Walter Matthau Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. -- Ivana Trump My reputation grows with every failure. -- George Bernard Shaw The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense. -- Tom Clancy I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child. - Dan Quayle Until I was thirteen I thought my name was "Shutup". -- Joe Namath To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. -- Paul Ehrlich Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. -- Ogden Nash The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again. -- Al Goodman Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. - Kin Hubbard First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. -- Steve Martin A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. -- Howard Scott I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. -- Douglas Adams In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. -- Orson Welles Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. -- Mark Twain The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege. -- Unknown In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything. -- Harold Coffin The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you. -- Charles Dickens Few great men would have got past personnel. -- Paul Goodman When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, "Yes, death would help". -- Robert Morley If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. -- Will Rogers To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in. -- Doris Lilly If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobol Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -- Scott Adams Originality is unexplored territory. You get there by carrying a canoe. You can't take a taxi. -- Alan Alda Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in. -- Alan Alda It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. -- Isaac Asimov You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however. -- Richard Bach Go ahead and do the impossible. It's worth the look on the faces of those who said you couldn't. -- Walter Bagehot If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it. -- Toni Morrison Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing. -- A. Whitney Brown Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. -- Charlie Brown Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have. -- Emile Chartier I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things. -- Alan Coren The price of greatness is responsibility. -- Winston Churchill Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. -- Leonardo da Vinci Only someone who has cried a great deal understands why someone else wants to stop the tears.-- V. C. Andrews You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. -- Walt Disney To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. -- Albert Einstein The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them. -- Albert Einstein A problem is a chance for you to do your best. -- Duke Ellington Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely... -- Ralph Waldo Emerson What concerns me is not the way things are, but rather the way people think things are. -- Epictetus When someone demands blind obedience, you'd be a fool not to peek. -- Jim Fiebig Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right. -- Henry Ford I have learned through bitter experience the one supreme lesson to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmitted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmitted into a power that can move the world. -- Mahatma Gandhi The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because it is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. -- John W. Gardner My definition of a redundancy is an air-bag in a politician's car. -- Larry Hagman There's nothing to winning, really. That is, if you happen to be blessed with a keen eye, an agile mind, and no scruples whatsoever. -- Alfred Hitchcock The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die. And it is youth who must inherit the tribulation, the sorrow, and the triumphs that are the aftermath of war. -- Herbert Clark Hoover Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard In seeking wisdom, the first step is silence, the second listening, the third remembering, the fourth practicing, the fifth-- teaching others. -- Ibn Gabirol, poet and philosopher (c.1022-1058) Education can be defined as working with people, young and old, to prepare them to live in the future. The future may be bright. The future may be gray. But, most importantly we must insure that there will be a future. -- Willard J. Jacobson A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James: The constitutions of most of our states assert that all power is inherent in the people. -- Thomas Jefferson I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. -- Thomas Jefferson The mere absence of war is not peace. -- John F. Kennedy This problem, too, will look simple after it is solved. -- Charles Franklin Kettering Learn to pause... or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you. -- Don King Freedom has always been an expensive thing. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve... You only need a heart full of grace... A soul generated by love. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously. -- Henry Kissinger People who are resting on their laurels are wearing them on the wrong end. -- Malcolm Kushner It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music. -- Ursula K. Le Guin Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. -- Frank Leahy I am a slow walker, but I never walk back. -- Abraham Lincoln Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under a just God cannot long retain it. -- Abraham Lincoln Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out. -- Art Linkletter It is the greatest shot of adrenaline to be doing what you have wanted to do so badly. You almost feel like you could fly without the plane. -- Charles Lindbergh Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired, but becomes inspired because he is working. -- Ernest Newman I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. -- Isaac Newton Slaying sacred cows makes great steaks. -- Dick Nicolosi Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. -- C. Northcote Parkinson Expenditure rises to meet income. -- C. Northcote Parkinson Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction. -- Pablo Picasso Creativity is the power to connect the seemingly unconnected. -- William Plomer Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. -- Will Rogers No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt I could not at any age be content to take my place in a corner by the fireside and simply look on. -- Eleanor Roosevelt I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I hate war. -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. -- David Russell I have realized that my real self is a greater entity than any possible post or title. -- Anwar Sadat Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. -- Carl Sandburg Nothing happens unless first a dream.-- Carl Sandburg Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent. -- Marlene Savant He who walks in the middle of the road gets hit from both sides. -- George P. Schultz An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red stoplight... The truly wise person is colorblind. -- Albert Schweitzer Songs are funny things. They can slip across borders. Proliferate in prisons. Penetrate hard shells. I always believed that the right song at the right moment could change history. -- Pete Seeger The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it. -- George Bernard Shaw To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in awhile. -- Henry Wheeler Shaw We can't leave the haphazard to chance. -- N.F. Simpson How can they say my life isn't a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten? -- Logan Pearsall Smith Man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work, walks up the stairs of his concepts, emerges ahead of his accomplishments. -- John Steinbeck The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum Unless life is lived for others, it is not worthwhile. -- Mother Teresa I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere. -- James Thurber Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view. -- Mao Tse-Tung My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. -- Mark Twain A man with a new idea is a crank, until the idea succeeds. -- Mark Twain There is no defense or security for any of us except in the highest intelligence and development of all. -- Booker T. Washington There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest. -- Elie Wiesel No man is rich enough to buy back his past. -- Oscar Wilde Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. -- Frank Lloyd Wright We do not what we ought, What we ought not, we do, And lean upon the thought That Chance will bring us through. -- Matthew Arnold, Empedocles on Etna Constancy is the foundation of virtues. -- Francis Bacon If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. -- Francis Bacon, Advancement of Learning It is sufficiently clear that all things are changed, and nothing really perishes, and that the sum of matter remains absolutely the same. -- Francis Bacon, De Natura Rerum Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested; that is some books are to be read only in parts; others to be read but not curiously; and some few to be read wholly, and with diligence and attention. Some books may also be read by deputy, and extracts made of them by others. -- Francis Bacon, Essays "Of Studies" Rugged the breast that beauty cannot tame. -- John Codrington Bampfylde No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William Blake If you get simple beauty and naught else, You get about the best thing God invents. -- Robert Browning, Fra Lippo Lippi Nake no little plans: they have no magic to stir men's blood... make big plans, aim hight in hope and work. -- Daniel H. Burnham She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellow'd to taht tender light Which heaven to gaudy days denies. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile good. -- Charles Carlson A good book is the purest essence of a human soul. -- Thomas Carlyle The world's a scene of changes, and to be Constant, in Nature were inconstancy. -- Abraham Cowley, Inconstancy Between the mouth and the morsel many things may happen. (Inter os atque offam multa intervenire posse.) -Cato the Censor Abscence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. (L'abscence est a l'amour ce qu'est au feu le vent; it eteint le petit, il allume le grand.) -- Comte De Bussy-Rabutin One joy dispels a hundred cares. -- Confucius The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man things of comfort. -- Confucius Without music, life is a journey through a desert. -- Pat Conroy Change is inevitable in a progressive country. Change is constant. -Benjamin Disraeli Beware the fury of a patient man. -John Dryden Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits. -- Thomas A. Edison What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight -- it's the size of the fight in the dog. -- Dwight Eisenhower Belief consist in accepting the affirmations of the soul; unbelief, in denying them. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Some books leave us free and some books make us free. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Prevention is better than cure. -- Erasmus Chance fights ever on the side of the prudent. -- Euripides, Pirithous Great actions speak great minds. -- John Fletcher But in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. -Benjamin Franklin We may be personally defeated, but our principles never. -- William Lloyd Garrison I abhor vivisection with my whole soul. All the scientific discoveries stained with blood I count as of no consequence. -- Mahatma Gandhi We must either find a way or make one. -- Hannibal He that does evil that good may come, pays a toll to the devil to let him into heaven. -- Hare and Charles Always listen to experts. They're tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it. -- Robert Heinlen Anger is momentary madness. (Ira furor brevis est.) -- Horace, Epistles Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them. -- David Hume, Essays "Of Tragedy" No truth appears to me more evident than that beasts are endowed with thought and reason as well as men. -- David Hume Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. -- Margaret Wolfe Hungerford Sit down before fact like a little child, and be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, follow humbly wherever and to whatever abyss Nature leads, or you shall learn nothing. -- Thomas Henry Huxley There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place. -- Washington Irving Who longest wait of all surely wins. -- Helen Hunt Jackson Victory and defeat are each of the same price. -- Thomas Jefferson When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred. -- Thomas Jefferson A thing of beauty is a joy forever: Its loveliness increases; it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep A bower quiet for us, and a sleep Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing. -- John Keats "Beauty is truth, truth beauty," -- that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -- John Keats Security is mostly a superstitiion. It does not exist in nature... life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -- Helen Keller We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about. -- Charles Kingsley He who knows much about others may be learned, but he who understands himself is more intelligent. He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. -- Lao-Tsu. Tao Teh King Nothing under the sun is accidental. -- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be. -- Abraham Lincoln At first laying down, as a fact fundamental, New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common. -- John Locke That nothing with God can be accidental. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Let us, then, be up and doing, With a heart for any fate; Still achieving, still pursuing, Learn to labour and to wait. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow The thing we long for, that we are For one transcendent moment. -- James Russel Lowell What chance has made yours is not really yours. (Non est tuum, fortuna quod fecit tuum.) -- Lucilius Watch out and guard yourselves from every kind of greed: because a person's true life is not made up of the things he owns. -- Luke 12:15 Every day is a fresh opportunity to continue the quest toward out mission. -- Harold McAlindon Beauty is the purgation of superfluities. -- Michelangelo Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. -- Michelangelo As good almost kill a man as kill a good book; who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were, in the eye. -- John Milton Books are not absolutely dead things, but do contain a progeny of life in them to be as active as that soul was whose progeny they are; nay, they do preserve as in a vial the purest efficacy and extraction of that living intellect that bred them. -- John Milton We do not inherit the earth from out parents. We borrow it from our children. -- Native American proverb Tis now a lip, or eye, we beauty call, But the joint force and full result of all. -- Alexander Pope A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -- Proverbs XV, 1 When a giftedteam dedicates itself to unselfish trust and combines instinct with boldness and effort - it is ready to climb. -- Pat Riley No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt Fine art is that in which the hand, the head, and the heart of man go together. -- John Ruskin He who boasts of his descent, praises the deeds of another. (Qui genus jactat suum, Aliena laudat.) -- Seneca I have Immortal longings in me. -- William Shakespeare There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second. -- Logan Pearsall Smith You cannot define talent. All you can do is build the greenhouse and see if it grows. -- Willian P. Steven What I have learned is but a handful of earth, what is left unlearned is the Earth itself. -- Tamil proverb Win without boasting. Lose without excuse. -- Albert Payson Terhune A good book is the best of friends, the same to-day and forever. -- Martin Farquhar Tupper Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked. -- Mark Twain Chance is a word void of sense; nothing can exist without a cause. -- Voltaire There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. -- Edith Wharton The thing always happen that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen. -- Frank Lloyd Wright The Earth laughs in flowers. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson What I have learned is but a handful of earth. What is left unlearned is the earth itself. -- Tamil proverb The Child is father of the Man -- Wordsworth To see a world in a grain of sand And heaven in a wildflower Hold infinity in the palm of your hand And eternity in an hour -- Blake Happiness is a perfume which you cannot pour on someone without getting some on yourself. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Hitch your wagon to a star. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson The softest things in the world overcome the hardest things in the world. -- Taoist sage Lao-tzu If you want a place in the sun you've got to put up with a few blisters. -- Abigal Van Buren The only limits are, as always, those of vision. -- James Broughton If you see a bandwagon, it's too late... -- Sir James Goldsmith In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. -- Robert Frost There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to see, yet small enough to solve. -- Mike Leavitt Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious. -- B. C. Forbes All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. -- Alexander Woollcott To get something done a committe should consists of no more than three people, two of whom are absent. -- Robert Copeland The absolute fundamental aim is to make money out of satisfying customers. -- Sir John Egan I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way. -- Jayson Feinburg Without music, life is a journey through a desert. -- Pat Conroy Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures. -- H. Jackson Brown, Jr. Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. -- Gen. George Patton The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour. -- Japanese proverb The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift. -- Pierre Corneille If your want to test your memory, try to remember what you were worrying about one year ago today. -- E. Joseph Cossman Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love. -- Thomas Szasz If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done. -- Michael S. Traylor Once you get people laughing, they're listening and you can tell them almost anything. -- Herb Gardner I never learn anything talking. I only learn things when I ask questions. -- Lou Holtz Learn a new language and get a new soul. -- Czech proverb A man's greatest strength develops at the point where he overcomes his greatest weakness. -- Elmer G. Letterman It's hard to detect good luck - it looks so much like something you've earned. -- Fred A. Clark Babies are always more trouble than you thought - and more wonderful. -- Charles Osgood Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. -- Elbert Hubbard There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. -- Joe Ryan The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep. -- E. Joseph Cossman Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. -- Pearl Bailey If you want to trully understand something, try to change it. -- Kurt Lewis The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. -- Arthur Koestler A blind man would be glad to see. A fault confessed in half redressed. A little pot is soon hot. A quiet conscience sleeps in thunder. A lie begets a lie. A little body often harbours a great soul. A little fire is quickly trodden out. He that would have eggs must endure the cackling of hens. He would search for pearls must dive below. He that would eat the fruit must climb the tree. A watched pot is never boiled. A man can die but once. A word is enough to the wise. Hunger breaks stone walls. If you want a thing well done, do it yourself. Many a good father has but a bad son. Many wish but few will. Many words hurt more than swords. You can not eat your cake and have it. Who has never tasted bitter, knows not what is sweet. Never cast dirt into that fountain of which you have sometime drunk. You cannot flay the same ox twice. With time and patience the leaf of the mulberry becomes satin. You Keep a thing seven years and you will find a use for it. Second thoughts are best. Plenty is no plague. No sweet without some sweat. Once bitten, twice shy. It is an ill wind that blows nobody good. Many words will not fill a bushel. People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Where there's a will, there's a way. A creaking door hangs long on its hinges. Agues come on horseback, but go away on foot. It is an ill bird that fouls its own nest. The best is oftentimes the enemy of the good. Little stroke fell great. One good turn another. A penny saved is a penny gained. It is a good horse that never stumbles. A stitch in time saves nine. Lost time never found again. After dinner comes the reckoning. Diamond cut diamond. Don't put all your eggs into one basket. Even reckoning makes long friends. Faint heart never won fair lady. It is not the gay coat that makes the gentleman. It is enough to make a cat laugh. Roll my log and I will roll yours. One swallow does not make a summer. It is a long lane that has no turning. Many a true word is spoken in jest. Let well (enough) alone. No so deaf as those who won't hear. First come, first served. A stitch in time saves nine. It is never too late to learn. Lost time never found again. Love in a cottage. Poverty is no sin. What is done cannot be undone. Appearance is deceitful. I will - gotten gains never prosper. Easier said than done. As you make your bed, so you must lie on it. Out of sight, out of mind. To kill two birds with one stone. All is well that ends well. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Where there is a well there is a way. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Talk of the devil and he will appear. Fortune favours the brave. Good health is above wealth. By doing nothing we learn to do ill. Calamity is man's true touchstone. Two heads are better than one. Still waters run deep. Dont halloo till you are out of the wood. Wealth is nothing without health. What is done cannot be undone. When guns speak it is too late to arque. Tomorrow is a new day. A good beginning makes a good ending. You cannot judge a tree by its bark. A good name is better than riches. A tree is known by it's fruit. Death pays all debts. Charity begins at home. A bad workman quarrels with his tools. One man's meat is another man's poison. Plenty is no plague. Self is a bad councellor. Pride goes before a fall. Promise little, but do much. When angry, count a hundred. All is well is that ends well. An honest tale speeds best, being plainly told. Be slow to promise and quick to perform. Better a glorious death than a shameful life. Nothing is impossible to a willing heart. Zeal without knowledge is a runway horse. Debt is the worst poverty. Better to do well than to say well. As the tree, so the fruit. Nothing venture, nothing have! A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...). If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People are always available for work in the past tense. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" The longer the title, the less important the job. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.